It’s been a couple of months since I’ve returned from Ireland. In some ways, the Emerald Isle feels very far away. In others, I’m still there.
How does one explain carrying a sense of place deep within you? A place that had been foreign to you only months earlier?
Maybe an experience I had in Belfast will help.
One morning during our 8-day Northern Ireland Retreat, Gareth dropped us at an East Belfast theater for a private screening of the documentary I Am Belfast. Written and produced by Mark Cousins, it’s a touching, creative, poetically powerful film, in which a female actress embodies Belfast, as she introduces us to all aspects of herself. Her history and architecture, her multi-faceted characters and neighborhoods, her acts of senseless violence and profound kindness, and her spirit. She doesn’t hesitate to reveal herself. Never flinches from showing her many variations of shadow and light. She excludes nothing.
I listen and watch, intrigued by this strong yet gentle elder who leads us along her neighborhood streets where children play and detonated bombs once left broken homes and body parts.
I hear attitude in the voices of her residents. Notice a daring, do-as-you-please energy, the kind that’s been unleashed after being held back for so long. I notice, too, how her slow gait carries the wounds of immense suffering alongside the desire for unrestrained joy. Like a contemplative, she silently strides through a whirl of emotions.
As she guides us through her environs, she’s clearly enamored with parts of herself. Pained by others.
This place feels very familiar.
There, in Belfast’s struggle between her inner unrest and desire for unity, I find myself. In her self-righteous, take-it-into-your-own-hands rebel who wants her way, I see myself there, too. And I relate to her quiet peacemaker willing to take risks that define courage, although I’d not consider myself courageous.
I resonate with Belfast’s pride, too. She once was the shipbuilding capital of the world, only to later fall into embarrassment with the sinking of her glory, the Titanic. As an American, I can’t help but recognize that pride, along with the turbulence brewing in my own country, as I watch Belfast’s political divisions turn violent. Yet I also feel her humility and hope in the peace she has acquired, however precarious it might be.
She’s a mix of contrasts striving to include and accept all that she is. For decades she was at war within herself.
Oh, yes, she’s very familiar.
It takes much inner reflection before I finally recognize that I am capable of experiencing and expressing everything that Belfast does. I am that rebel who bombs innocent people or builds walls around his neighborhood to keep himself safe. Just as I am that benign shopkeeper who shelters the wounded and forgives those who killed his wife and daughters in an indiscriminate bombing.
I am that nationalist, that loyalist, that terrorist, that monk, all rolled into one.
There is nothing I’ve seen in Belfast that I’m not capable of. And that my country is not capable of. No matter how much we deny what’s been percolating under the surface for years. Or would like to believe ourselves to be the one-sided, all-benevolent, greatest golden place that there ever was.
As Franciscan Richard Rohr often says, “everything belongs.” And not only does it all belong, but it all lives inside of me. Inside of us.
We cannot separate ourselves from the other, no matter how hard we try. We cannot separate the parts from the whole.
Yes, everything that lives in Belfast lives in me. Lives in us.
I am Belfast. I am you.