Uninterrupted sleep has become a luxury. Not that I’m a new mom or pregnant, having to wake every few hours to feed a baby or pee because of the little life growing within me. But something is growing within. Moving and stirring and calling to me.
And waking me up in the process. Whether it’s vivid dreams or the constant questioning of why I am here that jolt me into consciousness, either way, I’ve not slept well since arriving in San Antonio two months ago.
This morning I awoke at 5 a.m. and found this quote from spiritual writer Norvene Vest waiting for me in my daily reflection:
“Not only we ourselves desire life in abundance; God desires it for us as well. Not only must our eyes and ears be attentive; God’s ‘eyes’ and ‘ears’ are always attentive to us…. God does not wait for us to puzzle out the way of life; God rushes in before the soul finishes its prayer to show us the way. And the way is to rejoice in this constant, loving Presence.”
Well, that’s certainly true.
I haven’t exactly “puzzled out the way” in this situation in which I find myself. Believe me, I’ve tried. Asked the tough questions and often wondered if I should move on from here. And my soul certainly hasn’t finished its prayer for guidance and clarity in this matter.
I do know that “life in abundance” is God’s desire for us. It’s not only possible, but promised. As Jesus said, “I have come to give you life, life in abundance.”
Such abundance brings joy. So, if I’m not experiencing that here, what’s missing?
I’ve discovered this is not about what’s missing. It’s more about what’s blocking.
And that, I believe, is what this experience in San Antonio is really all about — healing these blockages I’ve created over time that prevent the light of God’s Loving Presence to really shine through me.
Whether these blocks were created by past memories and their resulting defenses, my ego’s way of protecting itself, or some misconceptions, fears, or erroneous beliefs I inherited doesn’t matter. All of them keep me from realizing the truth of who I am, of the divine light that shines within me.
To heal these blocks, it seems that I have unconsciously created “the perfect storm.”
The perfect place in which to surrender. Because I’ve put myself in a situation where I have none of my usual supports, securities, structures to fall back on. I’ve given up family, friends, church community, spiritual friends, my faithful dog, work and income, all to be here — where absolutely nothing seems to be under my control.
And this is exactly where I need to be. Apparently.
Today one of the sisters I’ve befriended gave me a poem she wrote based on the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer. It’s funny how sometimes Spirit fits the pieces of the puzzle together without us having to exert so much effort. Here’s an excerpt:
“Keep cleaning the glass
Meet every memory or unpleasant ‘now’
With the truth of My Presence to heal it.
Do not be afraid
I am with you.
I shine through you.
You must keep yourself clear…
Keep clearing out the data
Of past memories or of present evils.
Say to them all: ‘I am sorry…
Please forgive me…I love you…
And live in JOY
A joy no one can take from you.
(By Alice Holden)
Oh, but getting that glass clean isn’t easy. It’s going to take some painful scrubbing.
And I’ve got to be willing to pass through this storm. Get out of the boat and step into the middle of the squalls. Feel the rush of wind pelt my face. Feel the fear. The pain. And whatever else surges up in the process.
Because, in the end, I know this is my true longing. It’s not really about where I serve or with whom. Ultimately, it’s about healing so that I can become one with this Love that calls me out of darkness, right into the promised abundance awaiting me. It’s about letting the Presence flow through me “as light through clear glass.”
There’s nothing easy about the passage. But I don’t want to turn back.